I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
