we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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