My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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