Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize