So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
