fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
