Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
