'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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