I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
