she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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