I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
