i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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