i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
