I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Randomize
