I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
