dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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