Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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