she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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