nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
