I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
