I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
