What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
How does one acquire holy water?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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