I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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