I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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