it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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