U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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