Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
