I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Mom said you looked used
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Randomize
