New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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