for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize