My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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