the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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