How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
