i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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