Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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