he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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