Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
