see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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