Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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