I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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