drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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