Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
