I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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