I think I won the penis lottery.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
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