people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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