I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
