she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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