so explain again why im purple
no
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
