never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
