Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
