Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize