I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
This baby is an asshole
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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