You're so nebulous sometimes
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
