also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
