So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
