she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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