mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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