You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
