How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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