I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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